Group therapy
by tsujigiri
Summary: In which some of the titular character's greatest foes reminisce about the bad old days, and try to come to terms with getting beat up by an adolescent ginger
1. Chapter 1: Introduction

Group therapy or "The 'I got my butt kicked by Kurosaki Ichigo' sessions"

In which some of the titular characters greatest foes' reminisce about the bad old days, and try to come to terms with getting beat up by an adolescent ginger

**A/N: 1 – I don't own bleach or anything of the sort. 2 – this is my first attempt at a published fic, so please review – sure there is a lot needs doing. 3 – suggestions are welcome, (I plan to include all Ichigos' 'manga cannon' foes, though if the first meeting or 2 go well, maybe others will appear – so idea's for all characters are good).**

Introduction

Abarai Renji was a brave man – heck, he was damned near fearless. But standing behind his captain, who sat at his desk; the very picture of composure and slight disapproval, he was starting to have second thoughts. He really wasn't sure the captain would be receptive to his plan. The last time he had been this apprehensive was after the man happened to see him and Rukia sharing a friendly hug. Captain Kutchki had moved off without a word, the slight hiss of his retreating flash step saying it all to Renji's (suddenly extremely active) mind. The main thing it seemed to say didn't bear repeating; it involved Senbonsakara, and a complex knowledge of anatomy. Later Byakuya called him to the Captain's office. Renji had bid his confused friends a tearful farewell, leaving them entirely nonplussed, and strode in. As he tried to summon the nerve to talk in the present, he reminded himself that back then it hadn't been too bad:

"_Do you harbor any romantic intentions towards my sister, Lieutenant?" Renji couldn't have known of course, but Byakuya was actually thinking 'he better not get his hands on any girl before I do damn him! Not when I finally can rest thoughts of my wife!'_

"_No, Captain... it was, we were... just happy to see one another after my last mission!" _

"_Lieutenant – I am sure your association with that… _boy_ has caused you to become more relaxed towards personal contact, but here in soul society, I must remind you to pay due respect to nobles!'_

_Renji shuddered slightly; this was not going well – and was his captain still bitter about his fight with Ichigo?_

"_Yes sir"_

"_Very well, and if I see you making any intimate advance on her, the offending part of your body will be removed – do I make myself entirely clear on that point?"_

"_Yes sir"_

_Renji gulped at the full implication of that warning and Byakuya, noticing the sound, thought; 'hehe, that'll make him keep those hakema tightly fastened!'_

"_Good, in which case you are dismissed"_

With a start Renji brought his mind back to the present – dwelling on previous difficult episodes in this office wasn't helping. Though it had reminded him of how he had come to his idea. It all came back to goddamned Ichigo – the punk kid who had started as his bitter enemy, but now called him a friend. He still couldn't get over that the kid had beaten him, after a week's formal training. Cocky punk was what he was. Fighting with him hadn't been too bad, but couldn't keep the insecurity at bay. He had recently begun to believe his captain thought a similar way, and wasn't too far off the mark. So he had conceived his plan. He knew a few guys who had been beaten up by the kid, and he figured it might be a good idea to get them all together and talk the whole thing over. But the prospect of suggesting to his captain that a nobleman and elite shinigami should require _therapy_ filled him with no joy. He decided to take the plunge

"Captain, do you still think about your fight with Ichi-I mean Kurosaki Ichigo?"

Byakuya was amazed, and a little alarmed, wondering if one of his concerns had been transparent even to his brash lieutenant. Respect Renji for his Bravery and considerable prowess compared to the lieutenants, Byakuya did. Respect his grasp of subtlety and tact, Byakuya did – sort of. He was impressed Renji was still alive with them so low. So he elected to play dumb

"I don't know what you mean – that conflict is in the past, we have no animosity now"

Just as he congratulated himself on his masterfully detached manor, he realized his ink brush was crushed into the paper. Renji was shocked – this was unprecedented. But he resolved to continue

"I know I still do resent my defeat – it makes me frustrated, my kido practice is suffering"

Byakuya winced at the thought of what damage must have been caused in his division hq.

"And I know there are a few others in this position, so I… I.. arranged for a meeting… in our barracks and [his longest pause yet] . Please forgive me"

He bowed deeply at this point. Byakuya scowled openly

"There is no honour in attending a meeting of people who failed to complete a task assigned them!"

He was irritated – for his lieutenant to presume that he, the 6th squad captain, needed help of that kind, just because a kid had once defeated hi-he halted that line of thought abruptly as he realized that once again, his brush was being crushed. But Renji hadn't quite finished

"And captain, to conduct the meeting in a sociable and pleasant atmosphere I asked lieutenant Matsumoto to preside"

"I shall attend!"

There was finality in his tone, and a sudden jump in spiritual pressure that made Renji start. Concerned his 'healthy male interest' in Matsumoto might me noticed, Byakuya hastily added

"I clearly will have to maintain order with her present"

Renji sighed with relief – he knew his decision had been a wise one. He had relied on the 'healthy male interest' of several of the group in convincing them. Leaving the memo with the date and time, he left. Byakuya sat in thought for a long time. Maybe this would be useful. Maybe he could fit a mirrored ceiling or floor in his squad barracks before the first meeting.

Next time: First session!


	2. Chapter 2: First meeting

First meeting

As befitted a captain, Byakuya arrived punctually to the meeting, walking in to find his lieutenant vigorously shaking Matsumoto, who appeared wont to collapse. Byakuya hastily suppressed jealously and excitement at the scene, before striding over.

"Lieutenant, what on earth is going on – and what have you done to lieutenant Matsumoto?"

Renji glanced up awkwardly

"Well sir, she said she thought she would change her mind and not come, so I tried to..."

"Persuade her?"

Byakuya cut in, rolling his eyes – the smell of raw ethanol was noticeable even from a distance

"Well yes I-"

"Hello Byaku-kun!" Came a shrill call from the area of Renji's chest, Rangiku's current pillow. The thought that the arrangement at least wasn't reversed slightly mollified the distasteful captain. Still, he had to keep up appearances:

"_Lieutenant_ you are to address me as 'captain' or 'captain Kuchki' at all –"

"I invented the hippo!"

That rejoinder surprised the captain somewhat. With an air of great resignation, he took a seat at the side of the room, and only then did he notice the 4th person present. The man sat in the corner, with piercing green eyes, messy black hair and the distinctive white uniform of…

"An espada!" Byakuya exclaimed, drawing Senbonsakara faster than the flap of a humming-bird's wing. To his surprise, a pale hand met his blade was met with equal speed and considerable force.

"Stand down, shinigami, I am not here for conflict"

"No captain, he isn't! " Gasped Renji, leaping over to stand with the 2 other men, flinching only slightly at the thump of Matsumoto hitting the floor

"Seems that when Ichi- I mean Kurosaki killed him, his spirit particles were drawn across space and time to the prospect of this gathering, to finally be able to find rest."

"That sounds like an awfully implausible and 'convenient' circumstance"

Commented Byakuya. With steel in his gaze he turned to the former espada:

"What are you really doing here?"

"It is as your _fraccion_ said – I am here to find piece. I must say I am disappointed in the judgment you shinigami show. You call my appearance implausible, but I was killed by a boy with a hole through his chest who apparently had been reading too much of the human manga _Naruto_"

It was true, Ulquiorra was slightly confused as to what the universe thought it was playing at, dropping him into this. He simply couldn't see these _shinigami_ in the same way as those baffling ryoka humans. He decided to try to clarify the situation

"So what happened between yourself and Kurosaki Ichigo?"

He asked, addressing the serious captain

"Hmm… Despite being a stubborn brute he undermined my faith in the order and authority of our government"

"Indeed?"

"He also..." And at this point Byakuya shuddered in anger at the memory "got blood on my favorite scarf, not to mention my beautiful hair ornaments"

Once upon a time, Renji might have laughed at this, but he knew the captain to be deadly serious, and he valued his testicles. Byakuya then started to ask for an explanation from the espada, but was interrupted by the sound of loud voices coming from outside:

"Look Ikkaku – I don't care Kurosaki 'what-a-big-zanpakto-I've-got' Ichigo once beat me – I just know fightin' him again would be a great fight!"

"Oh come on captain, every time you see him, you destroy the area around you with your spiritual pressure!"

"That's excitement!"

"And try to kill him!"

A considerably higher voice chimed in

"But that's Ken-chan, cueball-chan!"

"Shut up! Look here's the room – let's just have a look captain"

"Fine, but not a word to the division!"

The 3 top members of squad 11 came in at that point. By now Renji was thinking more and more that he must have had some sort of massive psychosis when he formed this group. But he greeted them, and asked everyone to sit round. He knew there were others supposed to come, but wasn't sure if they'd show.

"OK so I'd like to start the first meeting of this group, thanks for coming everyone. I thought we would start by trying to list what Ichigo had done which most annoyed us. For me, he beat me, despite years of training, and considerable power. It's like the Gods of this universe are on his side the whole time!"

Ikkaku cut in "Haha – all that practice with me, and he still got you"

"Oh come on sempai – he was still green when he got you!"

"Yeah, well…"

Words failing Ikkaku at this point he drew his sword, as did Renji, each deciding this was a debate more conveniently settled with their blades. Their respective captains, who shared a surprising level of understanding, forced the 2 down with the size and texture of spiritual pressure they released.

"Anyways, he also broke my goggles" Renji resumed "They were 6 months pay!"

Byakuya nodded his approval of this noble ground for a man to hold a grudge. He then stood up, and proceeded to repeat what he had said to Ulquiorra. Ikkaku lamented he was made to look weak as he couldn't use his bankai, and that Ichigo had spurned his glorious 'Lucky dance'. Renji grinned slightly, and asked for a demonstration. Now fired up, Ikkaku leapt to his feet and launched into it. Byakuya looked pained. He feared the effort to maintain proper composure and not titter with mirth had caused serious damage to his ribcage. Kenpachi looked depressed. He thought the rhythm was poor, and the situation inappropriate. Ulquiorra for his part stared at the performance, wearing an expression normally only observed on the face of someone witnessing a biblical, as catastrophe, or a 'sneak peak' into hell. He wondered if this 'dance' might be what he, as a troubled soul, would experience in Purgatory. Kenpachi went next, stating that he heard Ichigo had gotten stronger since, and felt short changed. But Ikkaku nudged him and he stood slightly shorter and hunched. He admitted, hesitantly at first, and then with great heaving sobs, that he was worried about leaving Yachiru all alone, and then father and adoptive daughter fell into a hug, with both parties seeming to squeeze with force enough to crush a car. Breaking the hug, Kenpachi realized what had occurred, and was attempting to decapitate the smirking captain Kutchki, only narrowly held back by the other members. When the ruckus subsided, Ulquiorra stood. Before he started, the door flew open, revealing another white garbed figure.

"You!" He hissed

"Hey man, nice abs!, but I bet you don't have a 'zanpakto' that can grow 50 times longer on demand do you!?"

Came a voice from the floor

**A/N Bored of this chapter now. The next will finish the inaugural meeting, and possibly start the second, where I plan to include a chairman who is conscious **

**Please review, and remember to include any suggestions, for more high jinx!**


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